older than i feel

i am older than i feel which by most accounts is a good thing. however, there are times when i am acutely aware of how old i am. sometimes it is a gradual realization. it comes slowly to me over the course of a conversation with someone who is of a much younger generation. typically conversation with this person is energizing and refreshing. i enjoy the freshness of the perspective that they bring to the table. but there are times when they speak to me of more personal matters, matters of the heart, and not of iranian human right issues, that i am acutely aware that i have lived longer. my heart has been broken, more than once. i have experienced disappointment at crippling depths. i have held people as they enter death and buried those who absence will always ache inside of me. i have come face to face with crazy. i have escaped death. i have been betrayed by those to whom i have been most loyal. i have lost that which i will not regain. i have acceptance in places where i do not have understanding. i have fallen into bed in physical pain from simply being responsible day after day, year after year for a rather long stretch of time.

i also have quicker flashes of reality. for example i recently learned that it is not necessary to allow for two spaces after a period. that rule is no longer taught and most people i interact with professionally were never taught that in school. they simply have not heard of a rule that was created in the age of typewriters. i also find it amusing when i meet a really handsome and bright 20 something that i now think 'that is the kind of boy i hope my daughter dates'. i usually think 'wow, i'm getting old' and move on. there is nothing that i need to think about. it just hits me dead center that i am older that i feel.

and then there are those moments, like i had this morning on the patio, where i am processing more information than the hour allows. i realized that for 3 years i have been struggling in one way or another with the same issue. i have had movement within the struggle, both forward and backward, but i am basically still in the middle of it. 3 years! in one thought i cannot believe 3 years have turned on the calendar. in another thought, i question my tight grip and unwillingness to let go. do i fear my age? trying something new at 41? the good news is that i no longer allow my life to be defined by one struggle because i am so keenly aware of the passage of time. so my age, my maturity, my life experience, has taught me to live and love regardless of the struggle or struggles that i may or may not figure out.

my baby is two

my youngest daughter, i have 3, turned 2 today. she has been one of our family's greatest joys in what has been the most difficult stretch of our time together. this morning as i hold her close to me, i actually see my reflection in the dark center of her eyes. there is nothing about her that is not miraculous.


i did not think i would have 3 children though at one point in my younger years it was my dream. i had forgotten that dream until somewhere midway through my third pregnancy. finding out i was going to have her came as a complete shock. i had a lot of trouble having the first 2. it never occurred to me that a 3rd child was possible. i found out that i was pregnant days after discovering that my husband was in severe crisis. it was the kind of information that crushes hope in a split second. the knowledge of the pregnancy overwhelmed me and for the first time in my life i was completely paralyzed in fear. for 3 days i spoke only to my children. my nights were spent sobbing and face down before God in a prayer than seemed more like desperate pleading. i was exhausted, but came out of that with a resolve to move forward in celebration, joy, and gratitude.


truthfully i cannot say that as a family we have made it through all that came to light on that day. i can say that we are continuing to move forward. i do not live in fear, but i do experience it.


so this morning as i had my coffee on the patio, i thanked God for this child, a true desire of my heart. she is a tender soul who has been such light in a time of struggle. we all feel it. we are all drawn to her. the purity of her love, the innocence in her smile, the joy in her eyes...the length of her tight hugs...it's all so amazing. i love her so deeply.